Borderline

I hate myself right now. I really want everything to be over. I want to be done. I don’t want hear anyone or anything else. I don’t wanna deal with my son’s hypersensitivity or my husband’s remorse from buying this house I can’t do shit in. I just wanna be alone. No, I want to go to my mom’s house. I’m trying to think of a reason I shouldn’t. I have a massage scheduled tomorrow, early. I can’t fucking wait. 

My fucking therapist canceled on me again. I am starting to take it personally, even though it’s not geared toward me. I think tomorrow I’ll try my couple’s therapist. I feel like a stupid bitch complaining when I have so much privledge. I’m getting a massage, I’m on medication, I have a couple’s therapistn and yet I am unhappy. I hurt so much right now. I feel like cutting, and I would if I could figure out something to cut with. I really needed my therapy session today. I’m fucked up. I’m not ok . 

I sent flowers to my best friend and she can’t even call me back. What the hell is wrong with me? Now I’m crying. I fucking hate being me, I need a fucking vacation from it. How do you escape yourself? I do for others already. I wrote letter to my friend in prison and my cousin who is incarcerated. I give money, my time. I don’t know what the hell else I could give.