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Stumbling Around Like A Wasted Zombie

I’ve been playing my flute, watching videos trying to get my apparture better, trying to get better. I want to be a good teacher, I want to teach these kids things that will help them. I am not getting as good at the flute or the violin as I would like. I really wish I had a sound proof area to practice. I’m sore af. I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant, everything is feeling like my period is coming.

My fucking Check Engine light came back on. At least I know what it’s for. I feel like crying. My husband and I, all the work we did, the closeness we had seems to have vanished. You know what the issues is? His computer. While we were in Kalamazoo, he didn’t have it so he would be near me. I do enjoy gaming with him, but it’s cold. I tried reaching out to some friends, and I’m just fucking isolated.

If I sit here and keep thinking about all the pain I’m in, it’s just going to get worse. Just popped a Geodon, my mood isn’t helping anything. I ought to do something else. I’m legit going to get an old lady supportive ass bra after this. Big breasts are not for the faint at heart.

My father passed four years ago, that hasn’t been helping anything. Maybe this waiting for my son will be good. He will come out and be the light of this darkness. Or maybe he’ll be an asshole. Sigh, fml.

1:10 am

I’m wide awake, and restless. My body is weak. I might be pregnant, and I might be having a flare. I hate myself atm, I really wanna disappear. I want to scratch, cut, dig out this past of my chest that keeps in the hurt. It’s almost like a demon, feeding me hatred about myself. Right now he resides with my chest and fills the back of my throat, choking me up.

I reached out to a few people on Need a Friend, the sub reddit. We’ll see how long they last. I also reached out to Panda, in not sure if that was a mistake. Likely he’ll ignore it. If he’s anything like me, he won’t be able to. But most people have stronger will power than I. I don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish. I feel alone. My family he’s really seemed to give no shits about me recently, my husband has been very absent. And the fucking nightmares, the fucking nightmares.

Hoping work tomorrow will change this mood. First day of school. I am going to try the sleep thing.

DBT Nightmare Handout 20A

I just woke up from a nightmare. I’m trying to rewrite the ending. I was supposed to get cats to specific phone numbers, I’m not sure if that was part of my job. I’m not sure if that’s why I was mistreated and assaulted by my last boss. But it isn’t realistic for her to have stalked me, so she didn’t. No one scratched me with some kind of disease. I didn’t have to escape by bike, there were no barriers magically stopping me. No one verbally abused me. I didn’t work in a grocery store.

I get so afraid of going back to sleep after nightmares, because they often continue. I haven’t gotten enough sleep yet, I think I’ll nap later. I think I’ll try some pleasant imagery now. 😕

Nehanda? Where’s Moxie?

Nehanda is a name I have chosen for myself, much as I did Moxie. It is a name that comes from my ancestral home of Ghana, if I recall correctly. It means, “Beauty has come.” I don’t mean my outer beauty by any means, I can hardly look in a mirror. Though after recent occurences, I do wonder about any beauty coming to me. 

I trusted the wrong person, he fancies himself Panda. Ha, don’t have to be very careful referring to him since he calls himself Panda! He seemed so full of life, so full of kindness, acceptance, and understanding. It was all a farce. He was just another mind-fuck to tally with the rest of my so-called friends. In his defense, he seems to be suffering from a few undiagnosed mental disorders. No judgement, I am the queen of fucking being diagnosed. But when I became apprehensive of the closeness he and I had come to, he got weird af. I get that he was afraid of loss, and I understand that more than most people. But he became quite disrespectful, demanding, manipulative, and rude. I couldn’t comprehend why he’d turned so quickly. I couldn’t understand why he would demand my undying, unearned, complete trust with such brute, force, and venom. And to think, I’m such a goddamn loser that he was the one to end our communication. Though afterwards, I had a feeling he might want to continue this fucked up carnival ride of a friendship so I blocked him in every avenue I could. How does one go from wanting me to tell him my every thought, to wanting me to fall in love with him (he is polyamorous- no judgement), to acting as though I was being some rotten bitch, for wanting to slow things down. I am not polyamorous. I cannot handle the closeness he required or requested, nor did I find it appropriate given that I am married. At one point after I told the bastard that I didn’t deserve his behavior, he admitted that I didn’t. Then a day and a half later, he had convinced friends of his that I was bad for him and that he shouldn’t speak to me. He must’ve lied like hell, have a skewed version of reality to think that I was in the wrong in any way. But whatever, fuck him- like I said in my last post.

I am still reeling from this. Perhaps it is what is tearing my stomach up. It would only make sense, eventually this life of sordid, gruesome, fucked up, hardly believable shit had to catch up with me. Who gets raped more than a couple of times? Who moves across the country to be with a con-artist, gets pregnant by said con-artist within 9 days? The fuck is wrong with me? 

My husband hasn’t been taking his antidepressants. Guess who has been falling into a depressions… yup my husband. He thought that since he was feeling better for a few weeks or days, he hasn’t dedicated himself to taking the fucking pills ever, that he didn’t need them. This is what I was afraid of. Luckily, there was only minimal tension between he and my son. I don’t need that shit. I’m working mother fucking hard on my recovery, I am taking my medicine everytime I am supposed to. I see my therapist when I’m supposed to and my psychiatrist too. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t take their health seriously. Everyone in my immediate family growing up has had to take medicine to live, so maybe that is it? His family is Christian and believe in holistic only shit. And I’m fine with that, but he won’t take that shit either. I don’t know if we’re going to make it. I don’t wanna try with anyone else. 

Thank you/Fuck you

Thank you for pretending not to be afflicted with untreated mental health issues long enough to trick me. 

Thank you for wasting my mother fucking time. 

Thank you for letting me open up to you just so you can ghost me. 

Thank you for letting me reach back out after you treat me like shit, just long enough to do it again. 

Fuck you for pretending to care. 

Fuck you & may you feel this sting many times over so you stop fucking with people. 

Fuck you and whichever friends you spoke to that would make me the bad guy, when all I wanted to do was the right thing. 

Thank you for being another person to lie about me to people I could give a shit about. 

Thank you for reminding me that I need to keep myself closed off. 

Fuck you, you’re in terrible shape. You’re not as smart as me, you don’t look as good as I do, you have murderous eyes. 

You can fool your dumb friends, but I see you. You’re afraid of getting close to someone, being hurt, and you’re not better from your PTSD. It’s worse you’re like talking to two different people. 

With this I block you in every way I can. Don’t say shit else to me, my kindness for you is dead you asshole, fuck yourself, change your ways or you’ll die alone. 

Attention Starved 

I realized how isolated and attention Starved I was when I made a friend on a website and he’s been morning but kind. He’s been so sweet to me, I almost wept yesterday. Has it truly been so long since I’ve received that kindness? There’s mystery with this guy, he seems perfect. I’m obviously married and he knows that. My marriage is obviously been unhappy. I’m not seeking anyone. I’m appreciating the attention and kindness. Why have I been starved of it? Is it me? My BPD? Has the lack of attention been in my head? 

Negative Thoughts 

My therapist called off again. This bitch must be sicker than me. I truly needed that session. Today’s been damn awful. I started researching how to handle the thing that’s been plaguing me recently, negative fucking destructive thoughts. I am at my mom’s, which is a testament to how badly things went. I sat on her handicap seat and pee kinda went everywhere. So of course my mind chimes in with, “Loser!” I  can’t control my mind. I made an easy mistake, but I instantly feel like ass inside after, Loser is thrown about in my mind. I need sleep, not sure if it’ll come – damn insomnia. 

How am I? 

I can’t honestly tell anyone the answer. I want to die. I’m lonely, yet pushing away the person who likely lives me more than anyone every has. I’m worthless, I overeat and I hurt too badly to do much about it. I honestly don’t know what u do with my fail time. I only look good with fake hair or straight hair, mine will never be naturally straight. I have only felt sexual desire toward a woman on tv. I’m married to a man. I am a loser. The only thing i did worthwhile wad having a child. And that wad with an abusive, psychotic, manipulative, narcissist. With both our genes he’s bound to have an unhappy life. I’m the kind of girl guys wanna flirty with but get bored with me because I’m not single. I’m the kind of friend that people don’t want to have. I don’t deserve anything i have. I am unsure if any medicine I use helps. I am going to ask my psych if I can go off most of it to see. My therapist keeps calling off. I want to be normal, not hurting and sad. 

Borderline

I hate myself right now. I really want everything to be over. I want to be done. I don’t want hear anyone or anything else. I don’t wanna deal with my son’s hypersensitivity or my husband’s remorse from buying this house I can’t do shit in. I just wanna be alone. No, I want to go to my mom’s house. I’m trying to think of a reason I shouldn’t. I have a massage scheduled tomorrow, early. I can’t fucking wait. 

My fucking therapist canceled on me again. I am starting to take it personally, even though it’s not geared toward me. I think tomorrow I’ll try my couple’s therapist. I feel like a stupid bitch complaining when I have so much privledge. I’m getting a massage, I’m on medication, I have a couple’s therapistn and yet I am unhappy. I hurt so much right now. I feel like cutting, and I would if I could figure out something to cut with. I really needed my therapy session today. I’m fucked up. I’m not ok . 

I sent flowers to my best friend and she can’t even call me back. What the hell is wrong with me? Now I’m crying. I fucking hate being me, I need a fucking vacation from it. How do you escape yourself? I do for others already. I wrote letter to my friend in prison and my cousin who is incarcerated. I give money, my time. I don’t know what the hell else I could give.