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Pain & Joy 

On my way into the driveway after picking up my son, my husband was off to an appointment. My son saw him cleaning the snow off his car and practically jumped out of the car in 22 degrees weather to help him. I offered my husband my car but he wanted to drive his own. It warmed my heart but the depression I’ve been carrying drove the thought of staying in garage and letting the exhaust end my life. I’m really struggling, but there’s no time for that. I have pain that isn’t going to get better without proactively pushing for better care. I have a person who is within my care, my son. He brought me back to life when he gave me kisses all over my face for no reason. It made me cry. I’m so thankful for him. 

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Broken or Incomplete 

I am married to a wonderful man, he’s great to me. I mean he fucked up last month’s attempt at conceiving and I think that’s what has me fucked up. I have dealt with guys and their erection issues before. This time it bothered me, he knew it was time to try. He knew he could masturbate as I much as he wanted in a matter of days. And now I don’t want to be touched again. We don’t have a couple’s therapist. I feel like I want to go away. I don’t know if it’s a matter of me not being attracted to men. It’s hard being with someone who is in love with you, when you don’t even want to be touched. 

I am filled with so much of my own hatred, it takes all I have not to hurt  myself. We watched a movie where directors all over the world were given a letter of the alphabet. One of the movies, a really fat woman got in the shower and cut herself until she was thin. I think of it too, cutting off all the extra fat. I’m disgusted with myself. I’m fucking disgusting. How am I supposed to like or love anyone? I’m glad for the companionship, and everything he does for me. But I’m so fucking dead inside. 

Spinal Injections

This won’t be bilingual. I’m laying in bed hurting from the joint shots my pain specialist gives me. The prior shots were in the bottom of my spine, below my waist. This was my first above my waist. Pain! La douleur! There were so many little shots. It hurt so much. The needles were so big. So they’re willing to do this but not willing to give me any real pain relief. This life sucks. I can’t imagine ten plus more years of this. The opioid crisis is unfair to me. I never have abused anything. I hurt day-time and day-out. How many diseases do I need to have? Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, Degenerative Disc Disease, Osteoarthritis aren’t enough? Vie de merde. 

Birthday / Anniversaire 

I have asthma. I used my inhaler and now I’m shaking. 😑

I have insomnia. It’s my birthday (36). Last year my uncle died on my birthday. I hope nothing bad happens.

Une fois, je apprends le français. J’ai de l’asthme. J’ai utilisé mon inhalateur et je tremble me réveille. 😑

J’ai insomnie. C’est mon anniversaire. L’année dernière mon oncle est mort sur mon anniversaire. J’espère que rien ne se passe mal. 

J’ai une douleur chronique 

Pardon, je apprends Français. Mon corps fait mal. Je suis déprime. Je pense au suicide à cause de la douleur. Je suis fatigué mais je blessé. Je suis allé au chiropracteur en et je ne sais pas si il est censé faire mal. Le chiropracteur a aidé avant.

Excuse me, I’m learning French. My body hurts. I’m depressed. I think of suicide because of the pain. I’m tired but I hurt. I went to the chiropractor and I don’t know if it is supposed to hurt. The chiropractor has helped before. 

What it means to be A woman

We’ve been trying to conceive. My husband had masturbated so much that he is unable to perform, twice. This is after agreeing that he wouldn’t do this while I was ovulating. Yet twice, he is unable to perform. Tonight he seemed to get upset that I’m not wanting to do anything. I let him know I wasn’t interested and that I also am not ovulating anymore. I’m awake and feeling unsure and anxious. He’s asleep. I feel guilty. He said he feels stupid. But he’s able to sleep. It’s bullshit. I think he’s showing me that he isn’t interested in having a baby. He swears he is. But I try to listen to what people are telling me with their actions. 

I’ve been so emotional. I’ve teary eyed, which is unlike me. I self harmed twice in the last week.  I haven’t been able to regulate my emotions. I feel very uncertain about things. I fell asleep several times today, taking my mood stabilizing meds. They make me exhausted. I even had coffee. I could barely stay awake. Now I’m wide the fuck awake. Fucking fail. 

Today

I played my flute today. I was not able to play long, because of this damned sinus infection. I seem to be having trouble controlling my temperature. I am really sore from whatever I did to my neck. I tried to use my massager yesterday on my neck and back, but it didn’t help.

My son is very fussy, argumentative, and overly tired. He and John are clashing of course. Sigh…

 

 

Chronic Pain & Me

I had scoliosis as a child, my back straightened as I grew older but the back pain never went away. Ten years ago, a doctor offered me vicodin, but I didn’t want anything that hardcore. My back pain worsened, as did my health in my early thirties. I was diagnosed with Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. My rheumatologist diagnosed me with Plaquenil, and when the pain didn’t get better Meloxicam and then Diclofenac Sodium . When the pain didn’t get better, tests ensued. An MRI showed that I also had degenerative disc disease and osteoarthritis, specifically in my lower back. Again, nothing more was offered to me or suggested. I pursued relief and was referred to a pain specialist. I have undergone two invasive cortisone injections which helped for a few days, urine tests every visit, and then I was given more Meloxicam and more Diclofenac Sodium. Of course the pain didn’t get better. My rheumatologist suggested a drug, Etodolac which can raise blood pressure. I felt uncomfortable taking something with those side effects. The pain specialist then offered Cyclobenzaprine which also didn’t help. Now I am taking methocarbamol, I’ve since stopped the unhelpful prescription NSAIDS. They were backing me up, which stopped my appetite. I have had a exemplary record with not abusing prescription drugs. It shouldn’t be this difficult to get relief. I don’t understand why my pain doesn’t matter. I cannot function like I used to. I can’t walk, sit or stand more than a half an hour without being in pain. I’m only 35. Why am I being given random, harmful medications instead of actual beneficial medicine? 

Life & La Vie

I just downed some organic applesauce with flaxseed meal. It wasn’t bad. Just need to get things moving. My digestive system is a hot ass mess. I am resting for a little bit before going into Roosevelt. I’m tired af, but I wanna go in. My goodness, it is so cold outside. Just wanna curl up and rest. I should only be out a few hours. It won’t be so bad.

Je viens de manger de la compote de pommes. Ce’nes pat mal. J’ai juste besoin d’aide avec mon système digestif. Je me repose un peu avant je vais a Roosevelt. Je suis fatigué, mais je veux y aller. Cela ne devrait être que quelques heures. Ce ne sera pas si mal. J’apprends le francais.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do You Drink Your Coffee with a Straw?

I was a barista in another life (like fourteen years ago). I remember the group of people who drank their coffee with a straw and the group that did not. I ordered a complicated drink, one thing a barista can do is customize the fuck out their drink, ok?! Life was different then, I was married to another person. It was hardly a marriage, but at that age I didn’t know much about marriage or life. I did the old Facebook stalking, rather peering lol. I looked at my ex-husband and his wife. I am refraining from calling her fat this time, because fat shaming is bad. Though that insecure woman ended all communication with my ex-husband and I, and any sense of closure. Bitch move. We’d shared a decade, my teens through most of my twenties. I saw some pictures of him and most of them had her. He is putting on weight, which isn’t surprising. He is also graying, and wearing the same hairstyle as he was when we parted lol. I also unblocked my son’s DNA donor’s wife? Question mark because, that bitch could spin a fairytale out of nothing. I saw a picture of my son’s half-brother. He looked so healthy, it makes me feel better about having to leave him. I wasn’t his mother, and to keep my baby safe I had to leave. I would have taken him with me, if the villain wouldn’t have used the child as a means to control me. Also crossing four state lines with a child that wasn’t biologically mine, is quite illegal. So I guess I was feeling quite nostalgic. Though not in a good way. None of that shit was healthy.

Today is a day to think, ponder, question. It’s raining, but I am dry. I have started to communicate with the person I ripped apart in a previous blog. I am unsure about the propriety of it/him. He is very guarded and in the end I am afraid this won’t end in everyone being happy and ok. Why can’t I have friends? I’m feeling asexual again. But I think it’s a bit more extreme than that. I cringe when anyone touches me that isn’t my son or mother. I don’t want to be that way. I am not to go back to therapy with Catherine. She’s pissed me off and hurt me, and that is not how things should be in therapy. I left her a voice mail and the bitch never called me back. Fuck her.

Happier side not, I got my nipples pierced and they are doing quite fine. I am going to do a video about them. I also am, going to do a video about my musical instruments and information. Links to come.