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Grateful

I am grateful for my son being healthy.

I am grateful for having a house that is warm and safe.

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A hiatus

It’s been a while. I haven’t been able to put anything into words. I’ve been holding my words. I realize that now. Why would I?

I’m thinking about love right now. It seems I haven’t found it yet. I’m married living in my house, sleeping next to my snoring husband. Why am I awake now? Why am I thinking this now?

I can’t seem to hold onto any friends. I can’t hold onto anyone. I’m losing my husband. He’s miserable being with here with us. Cyler is going through so much. Eight year olds have are difficult. Mine has anger issues. He’s never had a father before. He’s never seen his father before. Somehow John expects it to be easy. I guess I thought it would be easy.

But yeah love. I have love. I think my husband has fallen out of love with me. I think it’s upsetting to him. Not sure how I feel about it. I think I will live this life without love.

Pain & Joy 

On my way into the driveway after picking up my son, my husband was off to an appointment. My son saw him cleaning the snow off his car and practically jumped out of the car in 22 degrees weather to help him. I offered my husband my car but he wanted to drive his own. It warmed my heart but the depression I’ve been carrying drove the thought of staying in garage and letting the exhaust end my life. I’m really struggling, but there’s no time for that. I have pain that isn’t going to get better without proactively pushing for better care. I have a person who is within my care, my son. He brought me back to life when he gave me kisses all over my face for no reason. It made me cry. I’m so thankful for him. 

Broken or Incomplete 

I am married to a wonderful man, he’s great to me. I mean he fucked up last month’s attempt at conceiving and I think that’s what has me fucked up. I have dealt with guys and their erection issues before. This time it bothered me, he knew it was time to try. He knew he could masturbate as I much as he wanted in a matter of days. And now I don’t want to be touched again. We don’t have a couple’s therapist. I feel like I want to go away. I don’t know if it’s a matter of me not being attracted to men. It’s hard being with someone who is in love with you, when you don’t even want to be touched. 

I am filled with so much of my own hatred, it takes all I have not to hurt  myself. We watched a movie where directors all over the world were given a letter of the alphabet. One of the movies, a really fat woman got in the shower and cut herself until she was thin. I think of it too, cutting off all the extra fat. I’m disgusted with myself. I’m fucking disgusting. How am I supposed to like or love anyone? I’m glad for the companionship, and everything he does for me. But I’m so fucking dead inside. 

Spinal Injections

This won’t be bilingual. I’m laying in bed hurting from the joint shots my pain specialist gives me. The prior shots were in the bottom of my spine, below my waist. This was my first above my waist. Pain! La douleur! There were so many little shots. It hurt so much. The needles were so big. So they’re willing to do this but not willing to give me any real pain relief. This life sucks. I can’t imagine ten plus more years of this. The opioid crisis is unfair to me. I never have abused anything. I hurt day-time and day-out. How many diseases do I need to have? Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, Degenerative Disc Disease, Osteoarthritis aren’t enough? Vie de merde. 

Birthday / Anniversaire 

I have asthma. I used my inhaler and now I’m shaking. 😑

I have insomnia. It’s my birthday (36). Last year my uncle died on my birthday. I hope nothing bad happens.

Une fois, je apprends le français. J’ai de l’asthme. J’ai utilisé mon inhalateur et je tremble me réveille. 😑

J’ai insomnie. C’est mon anniversaire. L’année dernière mon oncle est mort sur mon anniversaire. J’espère que rien ne se passe mal. 

J’ai une douleur chronique 

Pardon, je apprends Français. Mon corps fait mal. Je suis déprime. Je pense au suicide à cause de la douleur. Je suis fatigué mais je blessé. Je suis allé au chiropracteur en et je ne sais pas si il est censé faire mal. Le chiropracteur a aidé avant.

Excuse me, I’m learning French. My body hurts. I’m depressed. I think of suicide because of the pain. I’m tired but I hurt. I went to the chiropractor and I don’t know if it is supposed to hurt. The chiropractor has helped before. 

What it means to be A woman

We’ve been trying to conceive. My husband had masturbated so much that he is unable to perform, twice. This is after agreeing that he wouldn’t do this while I was ovulating. Yet twice, he is unable to perform. Tonight he seemed to get upset that I’m not wanting to do anything. I let him know I wasn’t interested and that I also am not ovulating anymore. I’m awake and feeling unsure and anxious. He’s asleep. I feel guilty. He said he feels stupid. But he’s able to sleep. It’s bullshit. I think he’s showing me that he isn’t interested in having a baby. He swears he is. But I try to listen to what people are telling me with their actions. 

I’ve been so emotional. I’ve teary eyed, which is unlike me. I self harmed twice in the last week.  I haven’t been able to regulate my emotions. I feel very uncertain about things. I fell asleep several times today, taking my mood stabilizing meds. They make me exhausted. I even had coffee. I could barely stay awake. Now I’m wide the fuck awake. Fucking fail. 

Today

I played my flute today. I was not able to play long, because of this damned sinus infection. I seem to be having trouble controlling my temperature. I am really sore from whatever I did to my neck. I tried to use my massager yesterday on my neck and back, but it didn’t help.

My son is very fussy, argumentative, and overly tired. He and John are clashing of course. Sigh…