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Crying

I’m laying here crying. I feel so empty and stupid. I want to cut. I’m trying to do different things. I am looking at beautiful female steamers, and I feel so ugly. My eyebrows are thinning. I’m so fat. My hair is falling out in different places. I just feel like shit inside. I don’t wanna be around anyone.

My son was such a fucking asshole today. I bust my ass to give him things I didn’t, and he didn’t give a fuck. He treated be and his private teacher like shit. I’m just done.

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Did this person get kicked for having BPD?

 

aspie group

So apparently, I asked a question that was so damning I deserved to be called names, attacked, and kicked from a group on Facebook. I normally block out names, but I have recently discovered that is not necessary- as my name (username on different accounts and real name) was used in someone’s post. So here I write what I can because it is my blog. Fuck you Chris, you treated a vulnerable, scared person like an enemy for no reason. You assumed way too much and handled me like poison. This was supposed to be a support group. Fuck you, I never wish harm on anyone. I hope you do learn how it is to be treated thus. Thank you for making me cry.

Binge

I try to pretend I don’t have a problem but I do. I am overweight, and it started because of Lithium. Then lack of ability to exercise with chronic pain. In my twenties, I’d workout really hard – insanely hard, and drop it in month or two once I realized I was overweight. Now with autoimmune diseases, chronic pain, I can’t drop a pound. But the thing that’s really a problem is binge eating. I have no self control with sweets. Today was the worst. A whole bag of Dove chocolates and two packages of chocolate cupcakes. I’m ashamed. I really want to lose weight. I need to be more active. Today was hard, my son was so rude to me and I volunteered at a close school that is an inner city, Black majority. The kids were so rude today. I’m not used to the outright disrespectfulnesss from the kids.

I’m not pregnant, my period is coming. And I’ve been depressed. My son’s anger, my AC being out, being displaced to my mother’s because it’s been in the nineties here. I had a busy day and no energy. Tomorrow my son has therapy and it’s much needed. I don’t want him to turn into a bad person. He can be so damn hateful. Sigh too much going on.

I Keep Missing

I stay up late
Yearning for more
Hoping to find it
Wishing that something would happen
Night after night I wait
And I search but I can’t find it
It’s a part of me that I reach alone
A piece of me I keep hidden
The inside of me that needs protection
Everyday I hide this vital part of me
Every night I wish to be fulfilled
Not by a fleeting thing,
Not something a single encounter can sate
Not a thing to be taken lightly
Something that means everything to be
Something illusive that I keep missing

30 Day Self Harm Abstinence Challenge

How long have I self harmed? Discuss why I started.

I was somewhere between 14-16. I was depressed and have been most of my life. Back at that age, childhood traumas would come to me in flashbacks. It became so overwhelming I had no outlet. I was into a Gothic scene, which by no means am I saying cutting is part of the scene, but I’d heard of another goth person cutting. So I tried it. It never felt like a release to me. It was like torture, I almost always cried.

Below is a bandaid post my most recent cut, and below that are all scars I have from cutting. Please don’t ever start cutting. It’s not glamorous or cool. That bandaid was sadly all I have.

Luminescent

The night was dark, the stars appeared to be hiding with the new moon. It the tenth new moon, which held a special power. It went unnoticed to most humans, as her people only lived in specific areas of this world. She emerged from the luminescent pool, cautiously. It was her first time leaving the depths of her beautiful community. She felt her body changing, as she inched her way out of the depths. The changes were unlike anything she’d felt before, and they were not without pain. She grimaced and looked at the few others who had chosen to ascend when she had. They gracefully slipped from the luminescent waters and stood on two long, perfectly shaped legs.

“You coming?” her older friend Yemaya asked, stretching as she stood on her new feet.

I inched carefully, my body continued to change to match those of my people who stood nearby. I sat, both missing my mertail and admiring shapely legs and small feet. I was told to be mindful and enjoy this process, as it was my first. I let the others emerging, and Yemaya rush me. Though I had yet to stand.

Yemaya stared down at me, leaned down extending a toned brown arm which glowed from the luminescence of the water. My darker skin took a different yet similar glow, as I clumsily rose to stand beside her. She steadied me with her hands on my hips, her eyes twinkled with mischief.

I felt grounded though I missed the water, despite it being beside me. Standing on legs and feet were similar to balancing on my arms whilst upside-down. Though as a mermaid, I still had my mertail during such a silly stance.

“Baby steps, Shuri,” a deep voice called from behind.

I felt my cheeks grow warm. I’d hoped Jayvyn would not have decided to ascend now. Yemaya rolled her eyes and helped me take a few steps.

I took my first steps on the warm sand, with the guidance of Yemaya pretending Jayvyn was not there. I was a woman now, a mermaid, no longer a girl. I was at the age where I could ascend. The warm air enveloped me, a night of adventure was just beginning. I longed for the water, but land called me onward

Writing Prompt

 

BDSM & Me

I’ve tried not to go there with BDSM. I’m not about to start listing my kinks, but I do want to talk about my being a submissive- specifically right now I’m wanting a Daddy. I don’t care if this person is female, gender-fluid, male, trans. I crave having someone control me, not completely. I am not interested in the slave aspect of the BDSM world. I won’t ask to use the bathroom or furniture. I won’t stay on the floor. I can’t even wear a collar or choker. But my desire to be a little, to delve into my personal BDSM world- I’ve had a lot of disappointment. Right now, a man in the UK messaged me that I’d sexted/online played with. Things fizzled, he was too harsh, and he is newer to the lifestyle. He is crass, he just wants to degrade and degrade, demand, belittle, then degrade some more. So tonight he started off respectfully, then we went down into that ugly, mean place where he degrades me into a place where I feel like shit. I let him know after a while of ignoring him it was something I wasn’t interested in. I feel somewhat empowered but, the submissive part of me feels like a failure. He is not my dominant, and I shouldn’t have agreed to calling him Sir. I have no Dominant or Daddy. I will not consent to anymore conversations with guys that are bullies, who want to hurt. Consensual, safe, and sane.

6 am

I’m listening to horror narrations, ready to fall asleep. I’m feeling a bit down after I started looking into Deviant art. I checked out my ex’s profile, inactive. I wish he would let me know why he won’t talk to me. It’s saddening, and I feel like shit. Why does this still bother me?

I love my husband, but will anyone ever be enough? Can I deal with his issues, mine, and Cyler’s?

J’ai besoin de dormir.