A view into a troubled, raw, hopeful mind
I’m laying here crying. I feel so empty and stupid. I want to cut. I’m trying to do different things. I am looking at beautiful female steamers, and I feel so ugly. My eyebrows are thinning. I’m so fat. My hair is falling out in different places. I just feel like shit inside. I don’t wanna be around anyone.
My son was such a fucking asshole today. I bust my ass to give him things I didn’t, and he didn’t give a fuck. He treated be and his private teacher like shit. I’m just done.
I was a barista in another life (like fourteen years ago). I remember the group of people who drank their coffee with a straw and the group that did not. I ordered a complicated drink, one thing a barista can do is customize the fuck out their drink, ok?! Life was different then, I was married to another person. It was hardly a marriage, but at that age I didn’t know much about marriage or life. I did the old Facebook stalking, rather peering lol. I looked at my ex-husband and his wife. I am refraining from calling her fat this time, because fat shaming is bad. Though that insecure woman ended all communication with my ex-husband and I, and any sense of closure. Bitch move. We’d shared a decade, my teens through most of my twenties. I saw some pictures of him and most of them had her. He is putting on weight, which isn’t surprising. He is also graying, and wearing the same hairstyle as he was when we parted lol. I also unblocked my son’s DNA donor’s wife? Question mark because, that bitch could spin a fairytale out of nothing. I saw a picture of my son’s half-brother. He looked so healthy, it makes me feel better about having to leave him. I wasn’t his mother, and to keep my baby safe I had to leave. I would have taken him with me, if the villain wouldn’t have used the child as a means to control me. Also crossing four state lines with a child that wasn’t biologically mine, is quite illegal. So I guess I was feeling quite nostalgic. Though not in a good way. None of that shit was healthy.
Today is a day to think, ponder, question. It’s raining, but I am dry. I have started to communicate with the person I ripped apart in a previous blog. I am unsure about the propriety of it/him. He is very guarded and in the end I am afraid this won’t end in everyone being happy and ok. Why can’t I have friends? I’m feeling asexual again. But I think it’s a bit more extreme than that. I cringe when anyone touches me that isn’t my son or mother. I don’t want to be that way. I am not to go back to therapy with Catherine. She’s pissed me off and hurt me, and that is not how things should be in therapy. I left her a voice mail and the bitch never called me back. Fuck her.
Happier side not, I got my nipples pierced and they are doing quite fine. I am going to do a video about them. I also am, going to do a video about my musical instruments and information. Links to come.
Last night was the most! I felt all the feels. I felt the pain of having shots in my joint, I felt the pain of my people specifically dying in Houston, I felt the pain of how my looks have changed (everything is bigger girl). I was limited in mobility from having just had shots in my spine, tail bone area. But I wanted nothing more than to hammer out difficult pieces of music. I had to watch others do it on YouTube. It was a good substitute. I air fingered the notes of. I felt manic last night. My husband is going through something. He broke down into tears. Said he did again today. Not sure what’s going on with him. I need to call and make some regular appointments for my son and his therapist. I better go do that.
Ok that’s done. Now back to me. I’m a week late for my period. Tomorrow, I see my obgyn, hoping to figure out if it’s a PCOS things, a my body is going through the most thing, or what. The main reason I made the appointment was breast pain, like all the time. So all of that was running through my mind last night and so.
I am playing my flute everyday. I need to lean in to my first love more. It gives me so much. But I also remembered things I want to master on the clarinet. I’m so fucking boss at that bitch. Anyway, thank you for reading lovelies.
Last night was the most! I felt all the feels. I felt the pain of having shots in my joint, I felt the pain of my people specifically dying in Houston, I felt the pain of how my looks have changed (everything is bigger girl). I was limited in mobility from having just had shots in my spine, tail bone area. But I wanted nothing more than to hammer out difficult pieces of music. I had to watch others do it on YouTube. It was a good substitute. I air fingered the notes of. I felt manic last night. My husband is going through something. He broke down into tears. Said he did again today. Not sure what’s going on with him. I need to call and make some regular appointments for my son and his therapist. I better go do that.
I’ve been playing my flute, watching videos trying to get my apparture better, trying to get better. I want to be a good teacher, I want to teach these kids things that will help them. I am not getting as good at the flute or the violin as I would like. I really wish I had a sound proof area to practice. I’m sore af. I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant, everything is feeling like my period is coming.
My fucking Check Engine light came back on. At least I know what it’s for. I feel like crying. My husband and I, all the work we did, the closeness we had seems to have vanished. You know what the issues is? His computer. While we were in Kalamazoo, he didn’t have it so he would be near me. I do enjoy gaming with him, but it’s cold. I tried reaching out to some friends, and I’m just fucking isolated.
If I sit here and keep thinking about all the pain I’m in, it’s just going to get worse. Just popped a Geodon, my mood isn’t helping anything. I ought to do something else. I’m legit going to get an old lady supportive ass bra after this. Big breasts are not for the faint at heart.
My father passed four years ago, that hasn’t been helping anything. Maybe this waiting for my son will be good. He will come out and be the light of this darkness. Or maybe he’ll be an asshole. Sigh, fml.
I’m wide awake, and restless. My body is weak. I might be pregnant, and I might be having a flare. I hate myself atm, I really wanna disappear. I want to scratch, cut, dig out this past of my chest that keeps in the hurt. It’s almost like a demon, feeding me hatred about myself. Right now he resides with my chest and fills the back of my throat, choking me up.
I reached out to a few people on Need a Friend, the sub reddit. We’ll see how long they last. I also reached out to Panda, in not sure if that was a mistake. Likely he’ll ignore it. If he’s anything like me, he won’t be able to. But most people have stronger will power than I. I don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish. I feel alone. My family he’s really seemed to give no shits about me recently, my husband has been very absent. And the fucking nightmares, the fucking nightmares.
Hoping work tomorrow will change this mood. First day of school. I am going to try the sleep thing.
I just woke up from a nightmare. I’m trying to rewrite the ending. I was supposed to get cats to specific phone numbers, I’m not sure if that was part of my job. I’m not sure if that’s why I was mistreated and assaulted by my last boss. But it isn’t realistic for her to have stalked me, so she didn’t. No one scratched me with some kind of disease. I didn’t have to escape by bike, there were no barriers magically stopping me. No one verbally abused me. I didn’t work in a grocery store.
I get so afraid of going back to sleep after nightmares, because they often continue. I haven’t gotten enough sleep yet, I think I’ll nap later. I think I’ll try some pleasant imagery now. 😕
I realized how isolated and attention Starved I was when I made a friend on a website and he’s been morning but kind. He’s been so sweet to me, I almost wept yesterday. Has it truly been so long since I’ve received that kindness? There’s mystery with this guy, he seems perfect. I’m obviously married and he knows that. My marriage is obviously been unhappy. I’m not seeking anyone. I’m appreciating the attention and kindness. Why have I been starved of it? Is it me? My BPD? Has the lack of attention been in my head?
7/14
Black men can maintain dreads so easily, why can’t I?
I just want to disappear.
Why can’t I be normal, why do I feel so badly?
I feel dead inside.
My therapist called off again. This bitch must be sicker than me. I truly needed that session. Today’s been damn awful. I started researching how to handle the thing that’s been plaguing me recently, negative fucking destructive thoughts. I am at my mom’s, which is a testament to how badly things went. I sat on her handicap seat and pee kinda went everywhere. So of course my mind chimes in with, “Loser!” I can’t control my mind. I made an easy mistake, but I instantly feel like ass inside after, Loser is thrown about in my mind. I need sleep, not sure if it’ll come – damn insomnia.
Nehanda's Ramblings 