How am I?

I can’t honestly tell anyone the answer. I want to die. I’m lonely, yet pushing away the person who likely lives me more than anyone every has. I’m worthless, I overeat and I hurt too badly to do much about it. I honestly don’t know what u do with my fail time. I only look good with fake hair or straight hair, mine will never be naturally straight. I have only felt sexual desire toward a woman on tv. I’m married to a man. I am a loser. The only thing i did worthwhile wad having a child. And that wad with an abusive, psychotic, manipulative, narcissist. With both our genes he’s bound to have an unhappy life. I’m the kind of girl guys wanna flirty with but get bored with me because I’m not single. I’m the kind of friend that people don’t want to have. I don’t deserve anything i have. I am unsure if any medicine I use helps. I am going to ask my psych if I can go off most of it to see. My therapist keeps calling off. I want to be normal, not hurting and sad. 

Borderline

I hate myself right now. I really want everything to be over. I want to be done. I don’t want hear anyone or anything else. I don’t wanna deal with my son’s hypersensitivity or my husband’s remorse from buying this house I can’t do shit in. I just wanna be alone. No, I want to go to my mom’s house. I’m trying to think of a reason I shouldn’t. I have a massage scheduled tomorrow, early. I can’t fucking wait. 

My fucking therapist canceled on me again. I am starting to take it personally, even though it’s not geared toward me. I think tomorrow I’ll try my couple’s therapist. I feel like a stupid bitch complaining when I have so much privledge. I’m getting a massage, I’m on medication, I have a couple’s therapistn and yet I am unhappy. I hurt so much right now. I feel like cutting, and I would if I could figure out something to cut with. I really needed my therapy session today. I’m fucked up. I’m not ok . 

I sent flowers to my best friend and she can’t even call me back. What the hell is wrong with me? Now I’m crying. I fucking hate being me, I need a fucking vacation from it. How do you escape yourself? I do for others already. I wrote letter to my friend in prison and my cousin who is incarcerated. I give money, my time. I don’t know what the hell else I could give.

How I feel

Low

Happenings (Trigger: self harm)

Things have been… rough. I haven’t created much of anything. I’ve been dealing with my mental health issues, marital issues, and parenting issues. I cut, badly. I was hurting inside so much, and I truly don’t know why. I almost want to take pictures of my cuts, I don’t remember dragging that broken mirror from my lip gloss tube over my skin dozens of times. I was entranced. This is what Borderline Personality Disorder feels like. I felt lower than I can remember feeling. If I believed going inpatient would help, I’d have gone. My experience with it was truly awful. It’s bad when someone as sick as I am inside has no place they can go when the shit gets too real. 

I went swimming with my son at the public pool. It was healing and serene to be in the pool even though there were dozens of people there. To see my Moonstone glowing beneath the water, to feel the water all around me. I felt weightless, carefree and I had fun. I haven’t had fun in so long, and my son did too. It was beautiful. I went down their water slide and it hurt, everything I did in the pool hurt. I was doing a lot of aerobic things, and my body is sore and tight. I will be going to the chiropractor Tuesday. It’s sad that the most daring thing I’ve done in a while was go down a water slide (lose my glasses, in the landing) and that hurt. Damn Mixed Connective Tissue Disease .

We’re doing so badly that we didn’t even try to conceive this month. It’s a month wasted. I honestly don’t know if this is the right person for me, if there is a right person for me. I know there were a lot of wrong people for me and I unfriended a ton of people on Battle.net and on Facebook. I had a jealous ex message me to pretty much say, “Fuck you,” when I was at my most vulnerable. It sucked but it was a wake up call to get rid of all these people who could give a shit about me. The people who ignored my pleas for help when I was down. 

Treading Down a Dangerous Road (Self Harm Trigger)

Of course I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and stupid. I cut yesterday. Nothing was wrong. I’m numb again, felt numb then too. I’d saved a piece of broken plastic is I saw, it didn’t work so I used a thumb tack. 

My natural hair is brittle from coloring it. My therapist’s words of my son’s bio-dad all affecting me keep replaying. I thought i was better. I can sit near a window with the curtains drawn, or blinds open. I can’t seem to get pregnant, when it used be so easy. And god, I hurt. It’s bullshit how much I hurt. 

I bought fingernail clippers to cut with. They hurt to use, they cut deeply. I hate not having access to fingernail clippers, they have real use and I actually do need them. I need help, I’ll call my therapist tomorrow.