I Keep Missing

I stay up late
Yearning for more
Hoping to find it
Wishing that something would happen
Night after night I wait
And I search but I can’t find it
It’s a part of me that I reach alone
A piece of me I keep hidden
The inside of me that needs protection
Everyday I hide this vital part of me
Every night I wish to be fulfilled
Not by a fleeting thing,
Not something a single encounter can sate
Not a thing to be taken lightly
Something that means everything to be
Something illusive that I keep missing

BDSM & Me

I’ve tried not to go there with BDSM. I’m not about to start listing my kinks, but I do want to talk about my being a submissive- specifically right now I’m wanting a Daddy. I don’t care if this person is female, gender-fluid, male, trans. I crave having someone control me, not completely. I am not interested in the slave aspect of the BDSM world. I won’t ask to use the bathroom or furniture. I won’t stay on the floor. I can’t even wear a collar or choker. But my desire to be a little, to delve into my personal BDSM world- I’ve had a lot of disappointment. Right now, a man in the UK messaged me that I’d sexted/online played with. Things fizzled, he was too harsh, and he is newer to the lifestyle. He is crass, he just wants to degrade and degrade, demand, belittle, then degrade some more. So tonight he started off respectfully, then we went down into that ugly, mean place where he degrades me into a place where I feel like shit. I let him know after a while of ignoring him it was something I wasn’t interested in. I feel somewhat empowered but, the submissive part of me feels like a failure. He is not my dominant, and I shouldn’t have agreed to calling him Sir. I have no Dominant or Daddy. I will not consent to anymore conversations with guys that are bullies, who want to hurt. Consensual, safe, and sane.